The Dangers of House Sitting

Author's Note: Here's the list Beth left the main character in case you're curious.

Thank you so much again for house sitting for me! It’s so hard finding someone to do it. Here’s a list of everything you need to do. Just give me a ring if you’re confused about anything at all! And I left a twenty in case you need to buy anything!

You’re sleeping in the guest room. I moved all the ghouls out from under the bed so you can get a good night’s sleep.

Always remember to say good morning and good night to the doorknob. Otherwise it will lock and won’t let you out. It’s so tempermental. But you only need to worry about the front door. The backdoor doesn’t care and the side door only speaks in Morse code.

Refill the pixies’ water once a day. Give them a couple teaspoons of the premade food (in the fridge) there should be enough to last the week.

DON’T OPEN THE TOP RIGHT CABINET DOOR

We have two ghosts. One is a civil war soldier (he won’t tell me his name). The other is my Aunt Trudy. The soldier isn’t much of a talker. Sometimes he’ll moan and scream at night, but don’t worry about that. It’s normal. DON’T TALK TO TRUDY. She will talk your ear off for hours.

The chimney has been howling recently. I have no idea why. I’m sure it’s fine but I wouldn’t stick your head in there just to be safe.

You can use the TV. Just don’t leave it on. It annoys the Mandrakes. Also channel 5 is haunted. And Fox News talks complete nonsense but I don’t think anything’s wrong with it. Ask Alex (the vampire in the hallway closet) for the remote. He’ll also help if it gives you any trouble.

Feed the banshee two cups of Elma’s All Purpose Magical Beast food a day. The cans are in the garage. There’s also a couple of steaks in the freezer is you want to treat her.

Water the mandrakes twice a day.

I have a potion brewing on the stove. Just leave it alone. Please don’t turn it off. It takes a year to make and I’ve had to start over five times!

If you forget the wifi password just ask the painting of the witches summoning the devil. They’ll tell you.

Don’t give Patrick any alcohol no matter what he tries to pay you. Trust me, the last thing you want is a drunk leprechaun

DON’T WAKE UP ANNIE

Make sure you don’t wait too long to feed everyone or they get a little rowdy.

Thanks again!

Beth 

And here's the actual story! Enjoy! 

It was supposed to be a boring summer. Most of my friends were going backpacking through Europe, but I was stuck housesitting for my neighbor, Beth. But at least the pay was decent.

 It was already dark and everyone was asleep when I got home the first night. Beth had fed them all before she left so I didn’t have to worry about it. I settled into the guestroom bed and sighed contentedly. It definitely wasn’t as exciting as Europe, but it was nice to relax a little after the chaos of the school year.

~      ~      ~  

I hadn’t set an alarm to wake me up. It was summer break and I thought I deserved to sleep to whatever hour I wanted. The house’s other occupants didn’t think so. I woke up to a symphony of assorted howls, moans, groans, and other noises I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe.

            “I’m coming!” I shouted as I rolled out of bed and made my way blinking to the door. Then I opened it and my jaw dropped almost down to my chest. The house looked like it had been ransacked by a horde of goblins, which was more than likely given who’s house it was.

            “That’s not good.” I said, staring as a swarm of pixies flew by, pulling a roll of toilet paper behind them.

            “You are so screwed.” commented the old man in the painting across the hall from me.

            His words flicked a switch in my brain and suddenly I could move again. I dashed to the kitchen and yanked the list my neighbor had left on the fridge, scattering magnets across the floor. The magnets all turned into beetles and scuttled away. I frantically scanned the list while mentally yelling at myself for not bothering to read it before I went to bed. Sure enough at the end it said “Make sure you don’t wait too long to feed everyone or they get a little rowdy.”

            I looked around me. They were more than a little rowdy.

            “Ok!” I shouted to be heard above the cacophony. “I’m going to take care of everyone. Just settle down for a moment.”

            “I’m gonna tell Beth you already ruined everything!” shouted a gleeful voice that came from above my head. Balanced on the ceiling fan was the leprechaun (Patrick according to the list). He had a bottle of wine in one hand and the house phone in the other.

            “Oh no you don’t!” I shouted as he cackled wickedly and started dialing. Before he could even get to the second digit the swarm of pixies flew by knocking him off. He fell into my arms with a terrified squeal. I relieved him of the phone and wine before he could recover.

            He bit my finger and ran away shouting insults. I quickly scanned the list, looking for instructions of what to do if the house broke into chaos. There were none.

I ran toward the hall closet. Based on the list Alex (the vampire) appeared to be the only other slightly responsible entity in the house. Even so, it seemed rude just to barge in so I knocked on the door. It opened a crack and a bored voice said,

            “What?”

            “I think I messed up.” I began, but he cut me off.

            “You think?” he said sarcastically. He punctuated the sentence with a popping noise. I didn’t want to know how he made it.

            “Yes, fine. I admit it. I need your help. Could you please do something?” I exclaimed, starting to get desperate.

            “Close the curtains.” he said.

            “What?” I definitely didn’t have time for this.

            “I’m a vampire for crying out loud!” he said. “I’m not good in daylight? Don’t they teach you this in school?” He made the popping noise again.

            “Oh right.” I said and dashed to the kitchen windows, dodging the toaster, which was shooting burnt raisins in all directions. Luckily the curtains were thick and hardly let in any light.

            “The curtains are closed!” I shouted as I ran back.

            The hallway door opened, revealing a much younger vampire than I’d imagined. He looked barely old enough to drive.

            “What are you looking at?” he said, aggressively chewing gum. He blew a condescending bubble in my direction. “So what do you need help with?”

            I stared at him for a moment. “Um this.” I said gesturing to the house. At that exact moment there was a minor explosion that made my point brilliantly.

            Alex rolled his eyes. “Amateur.” Then he raised his voice. “Shut up everyone!”

            It took a moment for my ears to adjust to the silence. I stared at him, shocked. “How did you do that?”

            He shrugged. “I don’t know. Now,” he handed me the mildly scorched list. “Don’t you have some stuff to do?”

            It took nearly an hour to feed everyone and two more after that to clean up their mess. I watered the mandrakes, groomed the bearskin rug, and had a serious heart-to-heart with the banshee. Alex supervised the entire time, making sarcastic comments and chewing gum loudly. I asked for a piece, but he refused to share.

When it was finally all done and the last beetle magnet was returned to the refrigerator, I slumped onto the couch exhausted.

            “I am not getting paid enough for this.” I said as he turned the TV on and flipped through channels.

            “Get used to it.” he said. “At least you didn’t you didn’t wake up Annie like the last house sitter.

            “Who’s Annie?” I asked.

            “You don’t want to know.” He said, popping a massive bubble. “Oh look! MythBusters is on!”

            My phone buzzed with a text from Beth.

            Hey dear! How are things going? It said.

            I bit my lip, wondering how exactly to answer that. After a moment I decided that there wasn’t any permanent damage and what Beth didn’t know wouldn’t kill her.

Everything’s going good here. Everyone misses you! I texted back.

Oh good! Just text me if you have any problems!

Will do. I wrote, deciding that she would never hear a word from me no matter what happened.

I sent the text and sighed contentedly and settled down to watch the Mythbusters blow stuff up.

It looked like I’d have an interesting summer after all.